We live in a world that profits from our insecurity. We are told that “self-care” is a series of transactions: a new hair color, a specific manicure, a change in our silhouette. We are conditioned to believe that if we just “fix” enough external things, we will finally arrive at a state of being worthy.
But have you ever stopped to wonder: Are you changing yourself to nurture your soul, or are you changing yourself to appease the world?
In my clinical work, we talk about “protective parts”—the internal voices that jump into the driver’s seat when we feel vulnerable. When you find yourself obsessively wanting to change your appearance, it is often a protective part trying to keep you safe.
This part believes that if you look “right”—if you meet the current standard of beauty—you will be shielded from criticism, from rejection, or from the pain of being seen as “not enough.”
But here is the catch: You cannot fix an internal feeling with an external change.
When you focus entirely on the outside, you are performing an act of avoidance. You are bypassing the internal work of sitting in your body and asking, “What are you feeling right now, and what do you actually need?”
Nurturing vs. Self-Erasure
There is a profound difference between the two:
Self-Erasure is an act of rejection. It is changing your body because you believe it is a problem that needs to be solved. It is motivated by shame, a desire for external validation, and the frantic need to hide parts of yourself that you deem “unacceptable.”
Nurturing is an act of embodiment. It is changing your hair or your clothes because it feels like an expression of your joy, your creativity, or your comfort. It is motivated by an internal baseline of “I am enough, and I want to honor this vessel I live in.”
The next time you feel the urge to “fix” something, pause. Ask that protective part, “What are you afraid will happen if I don’t change this?” You might find that the urge isn’t about your hair or your weight—it’s about a desire for safety, belonging, or a need to be heard.
Loving your body isn’t a destination you reach after you’ve successfully “fixed” everything. It is a daily, radical act of defiance.
Stop treating your body like an object to be displayed. Start treating it like a home to be lived in. Does your home need a fresh coat of paint, or does it need a stable foundation?
Audit your motivations. Before you commit to a major change, ask: Am I running away from shame, or am I running toward self-expression?
Practice “Somatic Presence.” When the shame flares up, don’t rush to fix the mirror. Sit with the sensation. Where do you feel that shame in your body? (In your chest? Your throat?) Stay there. Breathe through it. Let yourself feel the discomfort without needing to escape it.
Listen to your body’s needs, not just its image. Real self-care is moving your body because it feels good to be strong, eating food that nourishes your nervous system, and resting when your “Window of Tolerance” is closing.
This week, I want you to try one act of “nurturing” that has nothing to do with how you look. Maybe it’s stretching for five minutes to release tension, drinking water because you’re thirsty, or speaking to your reflection with the same kindness you’d offer your best friend.
Loving your body in a world that tells you to hate it is the ultimate act of rebellion. You are allowed to be comfortable. You are allowed to be you.